I am like a woman in many ways. I cry in bed. I have trouble with breakups. I like Enya. I enjoy bubble baths, and I don't like to eat in front my significant other.
I have always had an issue with eating in front of my dates, my girlfriends, and women in general. In this way I am like a female. Now I know not all ladies are shy eating in front of men. As a matter of fact, I know some chicks that tear it up, throw down, with no apologies, but a good deal are skittish. As am I.
I don't know what I am thinking. It's not as if they don't know I am overweight. In my head I think maybe they won't see that I am fat if I don't eat that ravioli on our dinner date, or I think that if I diet for a week beforehand, I will show up to the date 100 lbs. lighter.
When we are actually dining together I am dying to eat. Starving. Instead, I eat like a bird. I am very dainty, eating only a salad, or a small appetizer. Who do I think I am fooling? They must know that I want to devour a whole chicken, or a horse, or a pizza pasta cheeseburger (I don't know if that exists, but it sounds awesome!).
There have been times that I did eat what I wanted to in a girls presence, only to yell at myself in the mirror in the bathroom ("You fat pig. What is wrong with you?! Now she knows you're fat!").
Then I return to the table as if everything is fine, and I wasn't just having a breakdown in the men's room.
I take all precautions when food and women are involved.
I was dating a girl, and I was staying at her house a lot. Once, and many nights afterward, I said I had to go to CVS for some aspirin, or some bullshit. She, of course, was confused by this impromptu late night errand, but I stressed that I needed my brand (my brand?) after turning down her Advil. I got into my car, hit the Taco Bell drive thru, parked, and proceeded to gorge on many items. I returned to her apartment, with no aspirin of course, claiming the drug store was closed. The 24 hour drug store was closed.
Another time I was rehearsing for a play with a cute girl that I dug. She had prepared us some brown rice and veggies to eat during our scene study. She scooped us out a couple small plates, and we ate. The food being nutritious, I actually felt okay eating in front of her. After the scene work she grabbed a shower. That was my cue to hit the kitchen, and shovel even more rice, and veggies down my throat. I didn't want her to know that not only was it bad enough that it was healthy, but that I wanted a ton more of it. A ton.
I have been called out on this by my male friends. They see me doing it, and ask me what the hell am I doing? The title of the essay actually comes from a friend at a dinner party telling me to stop "Eating like a girl", that I wasn't "fooling anyone."
The said dinner parties are the worst. Everyone is eating what they want while I slightly circle the buffet picking up veggies, salad and tofu for my plate, then retreating to a dark corner of the room where no one, especially women, can see me eating.
I know that I have lost girlfriends due to my weight, and my inability to change. They have tried to help too. I was almost brought to tears while reading one of my ex's journals one day (she kept it right next to her bed. I mean, come on!), that said she was scared that I might have a heart attack one day. Another of my ladies even mapped out a whole dieting regimen for me, including what to eat, where to get it cheap, and an exercise schedule, which I promptly lost, or deleted, or threw out. Who ignores that kind of help? A disturbed person.
I want to have my cake, and eat too, literally. I want the girlfriend, usually the HOT, out of my league girlfriend, but I won't make the effort to earn or deserve it. For the longest time I blamed the girls for dumping me or getting on my ass about my eating, my weight, and my health, but I see now that it was me. I mean, yeah, who wants to work hard at looking, and feeling good, only to be seen with the guy who doesn't do any of those things? I get it. The honeymoon period of liking me for my humor or for who I am only lasts a certain time. I am aware of the realities of life. The girl, or guy, eventually doesn't wanna be with the fatty.
I wish I could take part in what I see other couples do. Getting a large popcorn at the movie, sharing ice cream, or feeding each other ravioli at the nice Italian trattoria, but I usually do all that alone. I am in no shape to even allow myself that indulgence with another, or in front of anyone. Instead I gorge on a large popcorn in a theatre, or eat a Whopper in my car in a BK parking lot, listening to sports radio, by myself, and in the moment it's paradise. I love the quiet, and the not being bothered, but like most vices - sex, drugs, and yes, food - it leaves me empty, and depressed five minutes afterward, and that's when I think most about how it would be nice to do this with another human.
Working on that.
