I noticed this started happening to me a few years ago as I got bigger. It started with small jokes at my expense that even I took part in from time to time, but then there was a shift. The joke was on me now. And that joke wasn't funny anymore (Tip of the hat to Morrissey.)
Friends began to freely comment on how big I was becoming, playing it off in a concerned and/or funny fashion, but mostly it just came off as fat fun at my expansive expense.
As the comments became jokes they morphed into insults - maybe without knowing, but all the same... insults.
There are levels of this name calling:
There's the pat on the back along with a friendly "Big guy." A lot of times this is said by another, even bigger, big guy. It's like a club you're now part of. You're one of them. The big guys. You're a "big guy." What if I don't wanna be a "big guy" with the other big guys?
This is in the same vein as buddies busting balls. Trust me, I like busting balls and in turn busting others' balls. All the jokes about food, being big, girls, everything. It gets to be okay to say anything, though. It's like open season to take it to so many other places. To get personal. Intimate. Sometimes you just want it to stop at a certain place. To draw a line in the sand. Problem is, being the guy I am, I can't say this or that isn't cool after I set the ball rolling in many ways. Like I said though, it can get harsher than just horseplay.
I remember getting a hot tub with a buddy of mine at the gym. I took of my towel off and as I was soaking I noticed him staring at me. I began to think our relationship had changed, but he was more in a state of awe like he was looking at rare animal from a lost jungle. "Dude. You're huge." I mean, what the fuck do you say to that? "Oh, why thank you, good sir. The disgusting hair growing on your back is attractive as well. You're a regular Brad Pitt." I was just taken with how freely this came out of his mouth. Like he was ordering a burger. Burger. Burger. Burger. Wait. Stop. You know what I mean.
Seriously though, the hardest part is what to say to these things. I don't know how to handle it. That's why the best cover, in most cases, is to just laugh it off.
I know it's not like letting a racial slur or a handicapped joke fly, but it's still a body image issue. I know plenty of people who would feel uncomfortable if I called attention to a flaw in their person. There are plenty too, but ya know I just...don't. Simple as that. That's my secret way of dealing with it. I keep my mouth shut. Hello? See how easy it can be to just NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. That's the problem - people think they always have to comment on shit. Unless someone asks me for my opinion, I don't make mention of of some bodily event they have going on cause I know it's sensitive. Or I do the right thing and talk about it behind their back, which, hey, I am cool with, as long as I don't know it or have to hear it. Beyond that, it's not a political conversation where it's an open forum. It's personal shit.
I know I am over weight. believe me. I am aware. It's not like I walk down the street thinking I'm Zach Braff or something (I don't know why him. It just came out). I don't all of a sudden catch sight of myself in the mirror and scream in bloody horror at my obese awareness. I am fat. I get it. It's with me every day and night. With every shower, Old Navy dressing room and all that gut sucking around girls.
What's worse than the friends making mention are the motherfuckers that just sling it around like it's nothing. I was running across the street one day - well okay, not running, but you get it - when this dude yells out from his car, "Hey, move it, fat ass!" What the hell! Come on, man. Really? Was that necessary? Fat ass?! In front of tons of people too. Everyone looks to see who the fat ass is. Me. Some other fat asses turned and gave a sigh of relief when they saw it wasn't them being humiliated. Nope. This one is on me, guys. I got it. I just looked around to see who called out.
Another time I was with a buddy when I almost got into a fight with this guy that cut me off. The guy turns to me and says "Relax there, Fatty." Fatty?! My friend burst out laughing. I went manic and challenged the guy to a fight. He wasn't scared in the least and drove off. He wasn't even threatened. He just squashed the whole thing with the word Fatty.
Yes, it has made me lose it at times. I was in line at a known LA eatery one day, actually trying to get a salad when this cute girl looks over at me and out of the blue says, "What are you looking at?" She actually thought I was checking her out, and normally I would be, but I really wasn't this time. She turned into this rude pain in the ass and kept at me with lines like "You can't have this." and "I'm too fine for yo ass." I laughed it off at first until she dropped the F Bomb. Fat. "Take your fat ass elsewhere.", she said. That was it. I lost it. I started going off on her in the middle of this crazy lunch rush. People were looking on as I tore her "fine" ass a new one. We were going back and forth until I dropped it. Yep. The C - Bomb. She looked like she was going to kill me, but I couldn't help it. For one, she was one, and I was just so pissed it came out. It happens. She stormed out, and I followed because by now the whole place was eyeing me, so I bailed.
Outside she got into a Mercedes with one of those little LA barky dogs. I got into my ''88 Tercel. She looked over and called me fat ass again. I pulled up beside her and tossed a day old soda into her window, all over her and her barky dog. This triggered an LA high speed chase. I bolted after I tossed the soda and this crazy bitch started after me. We raced and weaved through the busy streets and residential neighborhoods of Hollywood while she beeped at me, and I, well, I laughed. It was a real chase though. It kept up for like 15 minutes. I high tailed it because I didn't want any cop shit going down. I finally shook her, but that was probably craziest reaction to being called fat. Well, maybe there's another.
One day this older Beverly Hills house wife called me fat from her Bentley while I was trying to pull out of a spot. I got out, walked up to her window as she rolled it up. I knocked on the glass and said, "If you ever call me aft again, I will find where you live and kill you. Got it?!" She was freaked. I had this crazy look in my eyes too. I walked off, got in my car and drove off. As time went on, I got crazier and crazier to hearing these words from people, especially strangers.
It doesn't help dating either. This is the one that really kills me.
One night I took this chick out. We were having a splendid evening on the Santa Monica Pier. Very romantic. Nice breeze. Us. Some drinks. Bellisimo. All of a sudden, this foreign dude comes strutting along with two, yes, two ladies on his arm. He was an Armenian prince or something. A real douchebag. Like the west coast version of the Italian goombah. He had the Ed Hardy jumpsuit on, the slicked back hair. Greasy.
So this dude sees me and my date and he starts in on me. Literally starts saying shit (in thick accent) like "Hey, fine woman. Why go out with big fat man like this? He is a fat man. Why you date him? Don't you want to go out with nice, lean man like me. See, I have many women that want to be with me. You come too. Forget this big, giant man." I couldn't fucking believe it. He was ripping me to shreds in front of my date. The night was going well, too. I was actually on my way to getting laid. I mean, probably not, but still. Then I got this asshole fucking cock-blocking me. I wanted to punch this guy out, but I didn't wanna look crazy in front of this girl, so I laughed it off at first, but he kept at it. He wasn't letting up. My date tried to be cool, but I could see she was realizing she was on a date with a fatty. We walked away, even with him calling after us. "Come on. Drop that big man and come with us." I was steaming. He followed us down the pier, ruining my flow. I was so embarrassed. Obviously I didn't get laid that night and she never called me after that. Armenian motherfucker.Then there was this girl that I dated. She didn't call me fat to my face, but she did in her journal that I read when I suspected she was cheating on me.
I know it was wrong, and believe me I paid the price just by reading this horrible shit that I can never un-see or erase from my memory, but it was a desperate moment that happened. I regret it. Period. Think what you will. Moving on.
I was reading this journal and it was full of shit about her liking this new dude (suspicion proven), and how she was ready to end it with me, but moreso it was harsh. None of it was written in a nice way. It was crap about how fat I was and referring to me as "The Large One." It was heartbreaking. I didn't mind the break-up shit compared to the insults. It was like a pit in my stomach. I couldn't believe this person that I had given all of myself to was trashing me, even if to herself. I was devastated. Broken. Again, I shouldn't have done it, but it was still depressing to know that someone I loved so much could think, feel or even write such venom. I trusted her too. Ironic, huh?
Look, I know all this shit is funny, and I laugh at it too. The joking and name calling and just fucking around. It is surely not that big a deal and it is not like calling a black person the N word or a handicapped person...whatever you would say to a handicapped person. It's just a vent. A bitch. It is, however, shitty. It sucks most of the time. All I'm saying is think about what you say instead of saying what you think. I try to and don't always succeed. You can't un-ring bells. It just stings a bit sometimes when you hear "Hey big guy." or "You really are enormous right now." and of course "Move it, fat ass!" Yeah, that one sucks most of all.
My first thought reading this was that by including it in so much of your own comedy and writing, it must give people the impression that they have open range, and they can't tell where the line is between joking around and genuinely offending you. But you're totally right: who are we (universal we) to feel like we can just call people out whenever we want about things that are potentially hurtful or embarrassing? It's actually pretty enlightening to read your account of this.
ReplyDeleteAnd the stuff you said to that Beverly Hills bitch is fucking awesome. You were channeling Patrick Bateman there.
Once, my wife and I were walking down Hollywood Boulevard and this homeless guy made some lewd comment to her/at us. To be clear, he wasn't the heartbreaking kind of homeless, with a bushy, graying beard, likely hidden autistic-level artisan talent, and a faithful, but sad-eyed Labrador mix by his side. No, he was the kind that looked like he deserved to be homeless.
ReplyDeleteHe was holed up in one of those architectural nooks that seem to have been popular in the 40's and were specifically designed to house human turds like him.
I responded with the obligatory "Fuck you, dude. You're disgusting."
He wittily retorted "What are you gonna do about it, fat boy?"
The response in my head was "Really? Fat boy? At least I HAD dinner! You, the guy who smells like someone poured moonshine into a litter-box, is going to render judgement on another person? A person wearing CLEAN pants?"
But I said nothing back to him. We just kept walking. (Actually, my wife probably said something like "Fuck off!" She is from Queens, and they don't remain silent on such issues.)
I was mostly put off by the "fat" part, but also partially by "boy" which is offensive to me as a by-proxy member of the Black Community.
He kept calling after us "Huh fatty? You fat fuck!" etc. This was a 'thing' for him. For the dozens of people waiting in line for a movie, it was a free pre-show to their feature presentation.
And it hurt. Even coming from a human stain. I opted to cross the street in order to avoid him on the way back. I actually felt threatened by a guy who was probably too drunk to stand up on his own two feet. Just to avoid hearing that word said at me again.
And I, like you Mark, am an awful person. I mean that in the best possible way. I love insults and making fun of people and digging just a little too deep, then retreating and letting them know they've been a good sport. I thought Gervais was hilarious on the Globes. I think comedy roasts are the best form of appreciation. I would put my running commentary during episodes of "Hoarders" and "Heavy" up against Mystery Science Theater any day.
But being called fat to your face as an insult, as a malicious affront to your very existence, really hurts. It doesn't help you solve your problem. It shows how shallow and insecure the people around you really are. Even your friends. And when I say "insecure" I mean that they finally do find security when confronting people like us, with visible flaws that they don't share, and can't understand.
I don't really have a funny button to end this on. I just wanted to say that I can certainly empathize. I don't seem to have received the brunt of, or amount of name-calling that you have, but I have tasted that bile from people too.
But hey, I'm a fat guy. I'll taste anything once.
I guess I DID have a button, after all!