MarkDonalds

I have a problem with fast food. I love it and hate it at the same time. It's been good to me and has also destroyed me. I am an addict. I am truly addicted to fast food like one is to drinking or heroin. I am in love with everything about it. In love with it like being in a dysfunctional relationship. Fast food is the girl I know I shouldn't be dating. She's wrong for me on so many levels, but the sex is too good not to be in it, and like that girl it is so many aspects that attract me. The taste. The smell. The textures and layers. Fast food is its own food group. Also like women, it's the different types of fast food you can get. The amounts you can get on the cheap. There is so much and so many to choose from out there. It's like a Disneyland of fast food, and I have my favorites, but I don't discriminate. Like women, I don't kick any fast food out of bed if it's not the perfect fast food. If it's fast and it's food, it's going in me.

Fast food has always been in my life. Since I was a kid it always played a part in my upbringing. We grew up right next door to a McDonald's and we had dinner there at least 2-3 nights a week. We were poor and it was cheap and my mother waited tables all day so it was just easier to get us some Mickey D's so she didn't have to serve any more people. McDonald's was also great because it had the Playland. That shit will rope a kid in quicker than a hooker to the pipe. In its own socially acceptable way it is crack. McCrack, if you will.

By the time I was 12, me and my buddies were hanging out at that McDonald's everyday after school. It was the meeting place for the Junior High kids. We would sit around, shoot the shit and chat up girls. If it was the 50's we would have been a Doo Wop band, matching harmonies on the corner over a trash can fire in the winter. All this was done over cheeseburgers and fries. McDonald's reigns supreme in the fry category, by the way. No one can touch them. All connoisseurs know this. Burger King makes those coated bullshit fries. It's like kettle corn popcorn - an abomination unto the Lord. But the thing about these delicious fries is that, like drugs, they are habit-forming and I have never been a friend of moderation. Now I am paying the price.

When I was 14 I went to live with my father. He was a bachelor and a drunk. All he ate was pizza and McDonald's, therefore so did I. He is now grossly overweight and has Type 2 Diabetes.

When I turned 15 I got my working papers and got my first job. Yep, you guessed it- at McDonald's. I was a horrible employee. I have always been a horrible worker and student. If you know me, you know this to be a solid truth. I either end up fired or suspended, even expelled a couple times. I remember during the job orientation we were offered a free meal while we watched the company video. There were two others in the training. They declined a meal and took only a soda. I, on the other hand, heartily enjoyed a Big Mac and fries with a large Coke. I ate right through the video, paying no attention whatsoever.

By the time I was 21 I was devouring fast food at breakneck speed. It was a constant revolving door of drive thru's and walk-up counters. After late night drinking is always the best time. There's nothing better than greasy shit food to wash down copious amounts of booze. You really tear it up when you're drunk too. You just say fuck it and throw in the towel. You would be just fine dying right then and there in a pile of chili burgers and milkshakes in some parking lot at 4AM. God knows I've been there. I would liken it to being a junkie shoving that shot in his arm in the middle of the night, alone in an alleyway without a care for anything else in the world but that hit, even if it's the last hit.

From sausage and peppers to slices to late-night diners, it all falls under the fast food heading. It's a paradise of after-hours gluttony. True, these other foods are great, but real fast food is still king for the simple reason that they have drive-thrus, the greatest invention since the wheel. In fact, I suspect they invented the wheel just so they could have something to roll into the drive-thru.

I worked for a catering company that sent us all over New England, working events from fairs to concerts to soccer tournaments, and we would be on the road for hours at a time. This is where fast food really played its part. There is a great comfort in seeing the golden arches on a highway in the middle of nowhere. You roll through, get your goods and get back on the highway. You eat this food with your co-worker. Your buddy. There is a real moment in this. I know it sounds hokey, but it's just you and your partner sharing something. My Italian heritage always shared joyous moments over food. It's a tradition, as in most cultures. Every time there is some sort of celebration or death, there is food involved. This is how I looked at fast food when I was young. I was sharing a time with friends. Every time we would be together it was a celebration of life. Life, love and coronary disease. Who knew that all the good times would lead to bad times.

I've covered my history with fast food. Now I want to talk about what it really does for me. Comfort. It comforts me. I know we all eat comfort foods like Mac 'n Cheese and Meatloaf, but I am talking about another type of comfort. Many times I have taken to the warm bosom of a Whopper or 7 Layer Burrito. The food, fast rather, is there for you. If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about. It may only last five or ten minutes, but it's that time that counts for me. For five minutes you are not alone. You feel safe. Warm. None of the shit that befalls you can touch you. You are in control, even if you are out of control. Through career bullshit. Breakups. Fights with friends. Through all the tragedies and comedies of life, the food is there for you and most importantly... it always stays. It doesn't leave you or lie to you. It loves you like a dog. Loyal. Honest. Supportive. All I need sometimes is my TV and a Big Mac and fries and a Coke. (Then maybe something later.) The food isn't out seeing other food or talking about you to other food in their emails that you hack into. The food won't do any of that.

Problem with all this is I was out of control. I was eating it everyday and not just for comfort anymore or the affordable dollar menus. I craved it. Needed it. I was an addict now. Officially.

The thing about fast food is it's easy to get your hands on, like drugs. There is a fast food joint on every corner. Around my block was at least three spots I could hit at any given time. I like to share the love, but I did have a Taco Bell problem for years. There was one in walking distance that I would drive to everyday, sometimes, most times, three times a day. I'd get the goods and gorge in my car. I love eating in the car. Maybe it's from my road days. I eat in the car so people don't see me squeezing into the tight booth and eat my six or seven items. You always feel like someone is watching you or worse, talking about you and or laughing. I get insecure about that shit, which is why I take the comfort in the food. That safety factor.


I talked about that five minutes of safety and comfort you feel, but then there is the minutes following the act. The comedown. The depression creeps in shortly after. You beat yourself up. "Why did I eat that shit? You fat fucking pig! What is wrong with you?!" It comes comes on like a tidal wave, a trans-fat tsunami drowning you in the harsh reality of your latest cholesterol binge. Your addiction. It's a quick fix, which is why you end up right back at that drive-thru later that night or the next day or both. It's the only thing that kills the shakes and sweats. That next puff. That next spike. That next burger. I'm waiting for my McMan... *(See Velvet Underground)

I was eating this food all the time now and I started to see my health was becoming the real victim. My body, mind and emotions were paying the price. (Spoiler alert - fast food makes you more depressed.) I was showing signs of middle-age illnesses. I already had gout. Gout sucks. Here I am, this young, hip dude living in LA trying to score chicks and I am stricken with an 18th century ailment that started with the Vikings. I have never had a mutton burrito at Taco Bell, which is why the gout remains a mystery to me.

People were becoming concerned. Friends. Family. Just because they found piles of fast food bags in my room and car? Come on. Wasup with that?! There were so many bags that I could have made a fucking paper bag sculpture for the Museum of Modern Art. Fast food art. I was now downing the shit food and not looking back. I did try to stop, but I am a weak bastard. I have zero willpower. I freely admit this. I am a slave to most of my desires. I live in extremes and on impulse most of the time. I didn't think about it. I loved it, wanted it, needed it, therefore I ate it. Period. No one was going to change that. It went beyond the food itself. It became routine. It was a habit that I was used to. My brain became wired. I had to find a way to disconnect and re-route my thinking patterns. I didn't have a exercise or paying-my-bills-on-time regimen, but I sure as hell had an fast-food-eating schedule.

Eventually I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, like my mother and grandmother before me. It killed both of them. That was the wake up call. Sort of. Not right away at least. I am a slow learner. Fast Food Nation did nothing to stop me. Neither did Food Inc. and Super Size Me only made me hungrier for a McChicken.

Here's the deal. I partly don't know how to end this and partly feel I need to be honest. I have quit fast food for the most part, but sometimes I still sneak it in. Thing is I'm not sneaking on anyone but me. People care, but as long as we don't help ourselves in this life, people lose interest in helping you out. This lends itself to every aspect of life. I love fast food. Always will. I just have to continue to keep it in check. I am an addict and always will be. Everytime I pass a Taco Bell at 11PM I want to hit the drive-thru. Sometimes I do. Most times I don't. It will always be that way. I understand that. Accept it and own it.