1. My confidence would go through the roof.
2. I could wear the clothes I really want to wear instead of XXL. (that are still tight)
3. I wouldn't think people were snickering about me behind my back while eating gigantic amounts of food at the coffee shop.
4. I wouldn't get winded putting on my shoes.
5. I wouldn't wake up with sleep apnea every night.
6. I could get the girls I want.
7. I could walk more than a couple minutes without aching in my knees, feet and ankles.
8. I could face my ex girlfriend after all these years.
9. I would be pleased with photos of myself.
10. I wouldn't be called Michael Moore when I have a beard and wear a baseball hat.
11. I wouldn't feel like the big fatty on the plane, squeezed into my seat, asking for two peanut packs.
12. I wouldn't want to sit down all the time. (Well, maybe I still would.)
13. I wouldn't be jealous of my in shape friends.
14. Gay men might take an interest in me.
15. I would take of my shirt during sex.
16. I wouldn't have two chins and a gigantic gut.
17. I wouldn't have to hear people's dieting advice anymore. (Freely given to me by the way.)
18. I wouldn't hate myself.
19. I would fill the empty voids with something other than food.
20. There would be no more food wrappers in my car or bedroom floor.
21. I wouldn't gently eat salads on dates. (And then hit a drive thru afterwards for Big Macs.)
22. I wouldn't be obsessed with this weight or all this writing about said weight.
23 I could write about being thin and handsome.
24. I could have sex without running out of energy halfway through.
25. I could go hiking with my friend and his 3 year old.
26. Little kids wouldn't call me fat.
27. I wouldn't have to fight myself to drive past Taco Bell.
28. I'd be the handsome leading man.
29. I wouldn't be called "Big Guy."
30. People wouldn't be shocked after not seeing me for a while. Or they would if I lost this weight.
31. I wouldn't feel embarrassed at the gym.
32. I'd go to the gym.
33. I wouldn't stare at myself in the mirror and feel like a disgusting animal.
34. I wouldn't gorge on a large extra cheese pizza after midnight.
35. I wouldn't have Diabetes.
36. I wouldn't have high blood pressure.
37. I wouldn't have gout.
38. I wouldn't have high cholesterol.
39. I wouldn't be in the morbidly obese category.
40. I wouldn't die.
41A. Oh, come on, you didn't think I'd leave ya on such a sad note did ya? Finally, I would turn myself into a hairy werewolf and ravage the Victorian countryside by the moons light, but I wouldn't kill for blood, I would fuck. I would fuck all the fair maidens of the gypsy village and then find my way to the castle (where my true identity lives as Lord Harold Butler) and take the virginity of the beautiful Ms. Jane. I'd be known as The Fuck Wolf. The wolf that fucks when the sun goes down. Make no mistake though, someone would call out from afar, "There goes that fat wolf trying to get laid again." Yep.
Um, the "Fuck Wolf"? Sounds more like the "Rape Wolf". You're a sick man.
ReplyDeleteDitto. You had me commiserating right up to the last, then by trying to be The FFG you lost the thread. Stop making light of this, unintentioonal pun intended. Get serious, address your issues, as laid out in this post, and get real.
ReplyDeleteIt's important to be this honest, it really is.
ReplyDeleteI understand the final TFW note. The sudden emotional shotgun blast of: "Fuck, no, I'm not weak or pathetic, and yes, I can control what's happening in my life." But, those are lies that food addicts tell ourselves, and our sanity breaks under the weight of them.
ReplyDeleteYou are no sooner a rapist than you are an athlete, right? Sex is not just for the media mavens of the world. And while you may lust like a wolf, odds are ...well, odds are, you lust like a wolf. Good. That's life worth living.
You have a good list. I started one recently that includes all the things that I like BESIDES food, cooking or eating. The list gets longer every day, and it includes things as simple as "Getting to sit down after standing in line after a long time." "When the dog finally gets comfortable and quits turning around in my lap a dozen times." "When I think of something awesomely funny, and remember to share it and it makes someone laugh." I made this list because food was always there, next meal, next snack, what to shop for and when, who am I feeding, should I go out to lunch, want, want, want.
But I digress. Thanks for posting.